someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
