i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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