the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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