Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
