She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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