Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
