I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
