I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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