i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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