Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
