I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
