my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
