Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
