Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
why is half of my head shaved?
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