I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize