he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
