I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
