i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
