I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
