you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
