I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
