I don't think brook has ever known best
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
