Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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