It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Success! We fucked roommates!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
