Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
