Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
