I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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