Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
