DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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