you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
