your thong is hanging out like whoa
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
