Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
be right there i have to get my cape
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize