I think im going to throw up on grandma
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
