Don't make out with my wife yet
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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