Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
