just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
