she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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