She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
