Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize