so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
