i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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