matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
