just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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