i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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