Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
