I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
