If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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