I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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