you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize