so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
