I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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