She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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