Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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