Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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