My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I wear drunk well.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
