Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
