So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
