last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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