between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dick very happy bro
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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