4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How does it feel to date your dad?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
